A Delicious New Foe

I love pumpkin.  Pumpkin Pie, Pumpkin Spice Coffee, Pumpkin Anything!  So last week I noticed my baby's daddy had some pumpkin mix left over from some pumpkin pancakes he had made for us the week before.  What to do with it?  Then it came to me.  The clouds parted, the sun shone down upon me, and a choir of angels could be heard not far off into the distance.

Pumpkin Pie Rice Krispie Treats!

So, I go shopping for the essentials: butter (I was almost out), more pumpkin (I had a notion the left over pumpkin was no longer safe to eat), Rice Krispies, marshmallows, and I picked up some Tollhouse chocolate chips for good measure (why not combine two of my favorite things: pumpkin and chocolate?).

Figuring that someone had thought of this long before, I went searching for a recipe.  I found many, but none of them used actual pumpkin, they all used the pumpkin spice seasoning.  This was not what I was looking for.  Lo and behold I found it, eventually.  A lovely recipe on the blog "in sock monkey slippers" came across my path and I decided to try it.  

I read the list of ingredients and got out everything I needed.  I measured out the spices and put them in a bowl, and then measured out the pumpkin puree and added it to the spices.  I mixed.  I measure out the Rice Krispies and put them in another bowl, and measure out 1 cup of chocolate chips, putting them in yet another bowl.  I get out my skillet, heat it, and cut 5 tablespoons of butter from a stick 1 tablespoon at a time, and add them to the heated skillet 1 tablespoon at a time, so it will melt faster.

The first step was to melt and brown the butter so it will caramelize.  Ok, I should now let you know that I am cooking stupid.  I just don't have the gift.  I can follow a recipe if its not too complicated, but that's about it.  So, when  I saw I had to caramelize butter, I panicked a little.  My desire to try this recipe trumped the fear of me burning it, so I trudged on, and voila!  I can caramelize butter!!

I'm feeling pretty darn proud of myself at this point.  Here I am, at midnight, with a skillet full of hot butter that I have successfully browned, and my bowls measured out before me waiting patiently to be added to the mixture and fulfill their destinies.  In my head I see myself and my little layout and its just like some cooking show.  Its kinda cool.

To the butter I add the marshmallows and then the pumpkin puree mix.  See, this is what I get for not reading directions.  I wasn't supposed to add the spices to the pumpkin, I was supposed to wait to add them after the marshmallows and pumpkin puree had already melted and mixed.  Oh well, I can't imagine it will change the outcome of the Rice Krispie Treats.  I did read ahead far enough to know that once the mix is melted, I need to step away from the mixture for about 10 minutes so it will thicken, and the rice krispies won't be a soggy mess of goo after mixed in.  

Finally, its time and I mix in the cereal.  I decide to mix in the chocolate chips as well, thinking that the mixture will have cooled enough that it won't melt the chips.  I was wrong.  They started melting almost immediately.  *sigh*  Had I read the recipe all the way through, I would have known that they were to be melted on their own and drizzled over the tops of the rice krispy treats.  Lesson learned, I must read the recipe in its entirety and not make assumptions. 

Damage done, I continue to stir and just try to get the chocolate even all the way through the mixture.  Its still pumpkin and chocolate, so I can't imagine this will damage the deliciousness of the final product.  I scoop the mixture into Tupperware for cooling, and eat the bits that are left over.  

Yum.  OOOOH YUM!!! 

This recipe, people, is delicious.  If you'd like to enjoy it yourself, here's the link: http://www.insockmonkeyslippers.com/brown-butter-pumpkin-rice-krispie-treats

In case the page the link takes you to is deleted, here are the ingredients and the instructions (copied and pasted directly from the site):

Brown Butter Pumpkin Rice Krispie Treats makes 12 treats

• 5 Tbs butter, unsalted
• 1 16 ounce package of marshmallows
• 1/2 cup pumpkin puree, canned or fresh
• 1/2 tsp pumpkin pie spice
• 1/4 tsp fresh grated nutmeg
• 1/4 tsp vanilla extract, or paste
• 1/4 tsp sea salt
• 7 cups Rice Krispies Cereal or other puffed rice cereal

optional ingredients:

• for squares: 1 cup dark chocolate chips (60% cacao or higher)
• for pumpkins: 12 tootsie rolls, green cookie icing

1.In a large, preferably non-stick, pot heat butter over medium-low heat until it turns light brown, about 5 to 10 minutes. Stir occasionally. It will bubble, foam, and then caramelize.

2.Once the butter is browned, add marshmallows and pumpkin puree and turn the heat down to low. Stirring occasionally, cook the marshmallows until they are completely melted. Remove from heat.

3.To the melted marshmallows, add the pumpkin pie spice, nutmeg, vanilla, and sea salt. Stir to combine.

4.This next step is important. Stiring occasionally allow the marshmallow mixture to cool and become thicker. This takes about 10 minutes. If you add the Rice Krispies too soon they will just get soggy in the hot marshmallows. Once the marshmallow mixture is cooled and thickened add the Rice Krispies. Stir and fold until combined.

5.For traditional Rice Krispie Treat Squares: pour the mixture into a buttered (not oiled) 13x9x2 baking dish or pan. Allow to cool and set for 15 to 30 minutes. Cut into squares and remove from dish. Melt chocolate chips in the microwave in 30 second intervals, checking and stirring in between, until melted. Pour the chocolate into a Ziploc bag. With scissors, cut a small slit in the corner and use it as you would a piping bag drizzling the chocolate over the rice krispie treats. Allow the chocolate to set then serve.

 6. For the pumpkins: skip the baking pan and pour directly on a piece of parchment or wax paper. Allow to cool and set for 5 to 10 minutes until pliable. Grab a large handful and form into a ball. Greased hands help with this. Insert a tootsie roll at the top for a pumpkin stem. With green cookie frosting create pumpkin vines and leaves around the base of the stem. Serve.

Pregnancy and Returning to work

On August 15th my beautiful baby girl was born.  My pregnancy hadn't been an easy one and I was looking forward to no longer being pregnant, but I was especially looking forward to meeting the little girl that had been hanging from my ribs, kicking my side, and using my bladder as a trampoline. 

I went into labour in the early morning, and by mid-afternoon I was holding her in my arms.  This is where most people start talking about how they were overwhelmed with awe, with love, crying with tears of joy.  I felt shock.  I was in shock!  I'm a mommy now.  How did this happen?  Holy (bleep)!

The first few weeks were a flurry of diaper changes, trying to breast feed (my little girl was tongue-tied), trying to sleep, healing from the pain of birth, traveling to and from my parent's house in the San Joaquin Valley....I thought I was doing ok.  I really did.  It helped that I was not alone for those first few weeks.  The baby's father stayed with me (we are not a couple), and when he wasn't staying with me I traveled to Mom and Dad's, so when my first night alone rolled around I wasn't worried at all.  Everyone said that I had an easy baby, and we had settled into something of a routine, so I settled into the couch and watched my baby girl sleep.

So precious.

So beautiful.

So perfect.

And then she cried, which always made me feel anxious and frantic.  She was hungry.  My breast milk hadn't dropped yet so I scrambled into the kitchen to make her a bottle. 

All the bottles I liked were dirty, and only the Playtex ones that need liners were available.  I grabbed a liner and tried to put it in but I ripped the top of the lining off so I needed to grab another one.  The second one I couldn't get to line up right, but my baby was screaming at this point so I pour in a scoop of formula and measure out 2 ounces of water to put into the liner, and it overflows.  I put on the top with the nipple and try to shake it, but it wasn't on right so formula went everywhere.

This was within two hours of the Daddy leaving.

I tear my kitchen apart trying to find a clean Breasflow bottle.  I knew they were in there somewhere because I had four bottles and only two were in the sink.  I can't find one so I try the Playtex again, going nuts, bawling my eyes out (my neighbors probably though I'd lost it), grab a liner and again it only holds 2 ounces.  I make sure its on right and shake it up, and run over to my baby to feed her. 

I feed her.  She stops crying.

Silence, except for the noises she makes while eating.

Peace.

Golden.

I put her one my shoulder to burp her.  She vomits.  I'm talking projectile vomiting.  It misses my shoulder and lands on the couch, then drips down and starts soaking into the back of my pajamas.  I don't care about that.  She's crying, again, and understandably so.

I grab the nipple guard that the Lactation Specialist gave me to help her latch on and eat from my breast.  My hands are trembling, I'm crying, frustrated, generally upset...and so is my daughter.  My hands are shaking and I'm having a hard time getting the nipple guard to stick, but I do.  We are both upset so she has trouble latching on, but she does. 

Again, silence except for the noises she makes while eating.

Eventually my tears dry, and I calm down taking deep breaths.

My world is at peace.

She finishes eating and falls asleep.  All seems better now and over the next four hours I clean up, get things organized, find the other bottles (they were in the diaper bag), and clean the ones in the sink.  I sit back down on the couch.  I'm tired, drained, and I look down at my sleeping baby and am thankful she is asleep. 

Midnight, baby wakes and I am ready with a bottle of formula (which I am reluctant to use) and the nipple guard.  I am able to feed her from my breast, but something is wrong, she won't stop crying.  I check her diaper...clean, I had changed it before I fed her.  I put my finger to her mouth but she doesn't try to latch, so she is not still hungry.  I watch her, trying to figure out whats wrong. 

There it is, she's out of her swaddling.  She likes to be swaddled when she sleeps, in fact, won't sleep without it.  I swaddle her again, and she is calm.  Then she starts wriggling, and within 30 seconds is out of her swaddling and crying again.  I swaddle her again.  Same result.  This isn't working. 

I lost it.  I couldn't stop crying.  I kept swaddling her and she kept coming out and there was nothing I could do. 

We didn't get to sleep until 5am.

Later that day I was diagnosed with Postpartum Depression.

I thought my crying all the time and sleeping all the time were just a part of my hormones balancing out and my recovering from birthing.  That's what people had said it was, anyway.  I believed them.  I'd never had a child before, how was I to know that my behaviour was not normal.  My doctor explained to me that they were all part of PPD, and that I was not a horrible mom.  I felt terrible because I had not felt like I had bonded with my newborn daughter.  I felt like a bad mother if I couldn't soothe her when she cried, and was still awkward when it came to holding her, bathing her. 

I was prescribed antidepressants, and thank God!  I started to feel better in two weeks, and pretty normal after two more weeks.  a few weeks ago my mother said that for the first time I sounded like myself again, and I was pleased to say that I felt like myself again.

I felt good.

I feel good!

Being diagnosed with PPD gave me an extra month of disability, for which I am so grateful because it gave me that extra time to actually enjoy my daughter.  I can really enjoy her now.  I even enjoy her crying.  I think its cute, the face she makes, and I no longer feel frantic panic when she starts.

I told you that story so you can truly understand this next sentence: On December 5th I return to work, and I am so happy to say that its going to kill me to leave her for so long. I am so thankful that I have had as much time as I have.  I went to work today to drop off my portion of the insurance payment and two women that I work with who were pregnant with me (one went on leave the week before me, and the other a month after) are already back to work.  All my coworkers told me how good I look, and its not just because I've lost all but 9 pounds of my pregnancy weight, its because I look happy.  I look healthy.  Apparently when I went to work the time before I was diagnosed with PPD I gave them cause for concern.  They said I didn't look good.  I wish they had said something to me then, and not after I had been diagnosed, but they didn't for whatever reason. 

Either way, all turned out well.

I'm in love with my baby girl, which is how it should be. 

Another Blog Site

This is my second blog site.  You may be asking yourself why one might need two blog sites: I need a fresh start.  My last blog, while I will still use it, is so full of pain and memories that I feel the need to start somewhere new, but I don't want to erase the memories and the feelings that fill up that blog. 

We'll see what happens.  I may never use this blog site again.  I may use it again right after I post this.  Who knows?